All Times Soon

Jesse is Home.

We shall meet soon again.” said Aslan. “Please Aslan”, said Lucy, “What do you call soon?”. “I call all times soon”, said Aslan. ~ The Chronicles of Narnia – C.S. Lewis

I can hang up the toilet roll holder you feared in your last days, the one you fell into during a seizure and begged me to remove. I can hang it up, now. You won’t be coming into this space anymore. I can take the rails off of the toilet. I can throw away your loofah. I can remove your transfer bench and your shower chair. I can box up your remaining clothing, throw out the very specific type of underwear your broken brain insisted you wear for the past 6 years.

I can leave the house and go into a restaurant to eat. I can schedule appointments and get to them. I can run the vacuum in the living room. I can wash dishes whenever they need washing. I can turn on the porch light. I can turn off the living room lights.

But I cannot kiss your face. I cannot hold your hand. I cannot hear you say my name. I cannot see the light in your eyes when your gaze meets mine. Our children, whom you love so greatly-who love you intensely in return, cannot hug you, cannot hear your voice reassuring them, cannot climb into your lap and rest in your strong embrace.

So here I will sit, in a ball, knees to chest, longing for the moment when we collide into each other’s presence again, someday soon, as Aslan says in the stories you so loved. All times soon, He says, because, in this vaporous life, all times really are soon.

We’ll see you soon, Jesse, sooner than it feels. Because someday soon is always coming.

All times soon, My Love. All times soon.