Pennies

For months now, I’ve been searching for a word or phrase or image that could be hung above the door frame in our bedroom over the spot where Jesse says he opened his eyes to find everything was different all those months ago, something to replace a symbol of fear with a reminder of Hope. ... Continue Reading →

And so it is

“I am not okay! I AM NOT FREAKING OKAY!!”, he shouts with voice strained from guttural weeping, tapping hands on ears, curled into an upright fetal position, never losing his pace in his rocking. "I...I...I...I...don't...want...to...*gasp*...live...this...way...any...more. Why?..Why won't He?...Why won't He...take...me home?…He wants…me…here…His story, right? His story, babe…” If ever you find yourself wondering why the... Continue Reading →

Let them become women

I haven't rested well the past few nights for the wondering. Benign phrases to the general population cut into my core like a knife dipped in acid, causing the seething, searing, nerve-disintegrating pain that comes with an awakening of awareness. I'm disabled. Did you know that? A lot of people who find themselves on this... Continue Reading →

Uncontainable Happy

This day. It's a weird one for me. It's a day that marks the beginning of walking alongside the bright light of joy for us we named Abram, and the beginning of walking in the shadowy place that is coming home with cancer in tow. All Abe really wanted last year for his birthday was... Continue Reading →

One Year

It's been a year now. One year since I woke up on a Sunday morning and took the kids to church so Jesse could sleep off a stomach bug. One year since I stepped off of the stage at church and knew I needed to get home as quickly as I could. One year since... Continue Reading →

Three little words

  “Scans look good!”, she said as she took her seat in the conference room where we meet every two months. Three little words took the weight out of the air and put the breath back into my lungs. Scan days are hard days. "Scanxiety", I’ve heard it called. It’s a real thing among the... Continue Reading →

6 minutes and 44 seconds

Jesse preached (Can we just take a minute to ponder the fact that he can PREACH, guys?! Such a miracle!) on Joshua 1:1-9 this past Sunday. This has been a significant passage of scripture to us, especially as Jesse has wrestled with anxiety and fear brought on by the frequent medication adjustments and the trauma to... Continue Reading →

Ebenezer

“Dear Jesus, Thank you for this day, and thank you for returning our daddy to us. Thank you that you kept him safe and that he’s getting better. Thank you, God, for daddy’s tumor. We thank you for that, because people are looking for Jesus because of it. . .” I haven’t found myself in... Continue Reading →

Beau’s Frustration

Walking through the many winding corridors of MD Anderson in the wee hours of the night, a stranger and I walked side by side, him guiding me to the correct elevator. We entered into an open space and chattering voices assaulted my ears. "Wow, this place never sleeps", I said. He looked at me, deep... Continue Reading →

Heads in the Sand

Almost a year ago, I held a tiny, breathless baby girl in my hand. She weighed just 1 pound 9 ounces, and she is still the heaviest thing I've ever held. I remember wanting desperately to soak in her features in the moments I had with her, being both afraid to look at her little... Continue Reading →

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