It is not good, but it is well

Several years (and a battery of tests that nearly killed me) ago, I was diagnosed with a string of autonomic nervous system disorders. After months of attempting to regulate my heart rate and blood pressure with medications, which resulted in more near death experiences of allergic reactions and other side effects, my cardiologist recommended I,... Continue Reading →

I know how the quiet screams

“I can’t breathe”, he gasps beside me in bed. “Can I? Am I breathing? Ashley, I’m okay? I’m...I’m not breathing. Why can’t I breathe? I can’t breathe.” The sharp intake of air is what woke me. I strained my eyes in the dark to see the outline of his chest, full of held air. “BREATHE.”,... Continue Reading →

About all of that seizure testing we did…

I woke you up two nights ago, accidentally. I tripped in the darkness coming out of the bathtub and into the door frame. You startled and your body went rigid with seizure, caused by abrupt awake-ness from the dream taunting you into unrest. Your eyes opened unnaturally wide, your right pupil hyper-dilated, encompassing the blue... Continue Reading →

Before brain cancer stole him away

He was dying the day a butterfly alighted on his shoulder and stayed for several minutes. He was dying as he twirled his small daughter around on the dance floor during the reception of a beloved unbiological sister (a term my family uses to describe two of our siblings the good Lord gave us through... Continue Reading →

Four Years of Brain Cancer

I am not what some would call, an ambitious person. The things I have done in this life I have done simply because they were the next thing which presented itself to me that needed doing. I am ambling about, sometimes forward, often pausing to look left and right until I am dizzy, when I... Continue Reading →

Only and Always

I whispered into the stillness of his slumber, “I wanted to grow old with you.”, as hot liquid poured down my cheeks. Blazing liquid sorrow. You'd think the tears would run cold by now. They do not. The pain of loss to come digs deeper in as the time goes on with him living dying.... Continue Reading →

The Thorns in Our Flesh: how living unhealed has taught us to live hopeful

Three times…more than that…I pleaded with the Lord, “Take this from us. Heal him, God. What good is he to your kingdom, dead? What love is this, making children fatherless?” And He answered with a tiny flower growing out of thorns in the middle of my wilderness as I watched a dying father guide his children down a steep path.

"My grace is sufficient-enough-abundant, for you.”

3 seconds of brave

We drove through the storm late last night-me behind the wheel, my Abram in the back seat, delirious with fever, vomiting uncontrollably into the bright blue emesis bag I purchased in bulk when Jesse underwent chemo and radiation-our tires steadily kicking water out beside us as we barreled down the massive 11 lane highway we... Continue Reading →

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