About this time last year, I was walking down the sloping hill from the cross on the church property toward the lake, a niece on my hip, my kids just in front of me, my nephews, nieces, parents, aunts, uncles and closest friends surrounding me. We were holding lanterns with handwritten messages on them, intending... Continue Reading →
September 6, 2021:~on the 6 year anniversary of the day I first heard the words, “Your husband has brain cancer.”~almost to the hour of when this part of our story began~we will gather at the cross Jesse loved~on the church property he oft tread; and,~as the sun sets~we will worship the good Lord Jesse served... Continue Reading →
Several years (and a battery of tests that nearly killed me) ago, I was diagnosed with a string of autonomic nervous system disorders. After months of attempting to regulate my heart rate and blood pressure with medications, which resulted in more near death experiences of allergic reactions and other side effects, my cardiologist recommended I,... Continue Reading →
“I can’t breathe”, he gasps beside me in bed. “Can I? Am I breathing? Ashley, I’m okay? I’m...I’m not breathing. Why can’t I breathe? I can’t breathe.” The sharp intake of air is what woke me. I strained my eyes in the dark to see the outline of his chest, full of held air. “BREATHE.”,... Continue Reading →
You know, it’s funny, I could not have imagined I would still have any new words left about all of this at this point, but they still keep pouring forth, though I know the theme is the same: Jesse is dying. Our kids are yearning for something we cannot give them. I am increasingly shattered... Continue Reading →
I woke you up two nights ago, accidentally. I tripped in the darkness coming out of the bathtub and into the door frame. You startled and your body went rigid with seizure, caused by abrupt awake-ness from the dream taunting you into unrest. Your eyes opened unnaturally wide, your right pupil hyper-dilated, encompassing the blue... Continue Reading →
He was dying the day a butterfly alighted on his shoulder and stayed for several minutes. He was dying as he twirled his small daughter around on the dance floor during the reception of a beloved unbiological sister (a term my family uses to describe two of our siblings the good Lord gave us through... Continue Reading →
He brought it to me, tangled up in a pile of other discarded clothing. I saw the sleeve peeking out from beneath an outgrown child’s shirt, the happy, bright orchid standing out in contrast to the white and grey surrounding it. My soul choked on a memory I thought I had discarded alongside the purple... Continue Reading →
I am not what some would call, an ambitious person. The things I have done in this life I have done simply because they were the next thing which presented itself to me that needed doing. I am ambling about, sometimes forward, often pausing to look left and right until I am dizzy, when I... Continue Reading →
I whispered into the stillness of his slumber, “I wanted to grow old with you.”, as hot liquid poured down my cheeks. Blazing liquid sorrow. You'd think the tears would run cold by now. They do not. The pain of loss to come digs deeper in as the time goes on with him living dying.... Continue Reading →
Every Little Jot & Tittle 