I know how the quiet screams

“I can’t breathe”, he gasps beside me in bed. “Can I? Am I breathing? Ashley, I’m okay? I’m...I’m not breathing. Why can’t I breathe? I can’t breathe.” The sharp intake of air is what woke me. I strained my eyes in the dark to see the outline of his chest, full of held air. “BREATHE.”,... Continue Reading →

Four Years of Brain Cancer

I am not what some would call, an ambitious person. The things I have done in this life I have done simply because they were the next thing which presented itself to me that needed doing. I am ambling about, sometimes forward, often pausing to look left and right until I am dizzy, when I... Continue Reading →

Sorrow-wrecking, Hallelujah words

I snapped this picture moments after Jesse sat upright in the ER and scooted to the end of the bed in an attempt to stand, feisty from the medications he was given to stop the seizures. I stared at it awhile, perplexed by the vibrant colors of the photograph. That’s when I realized it’s a... Continue Reading →

What we do and don’t know

 I took his battered hand in mine as we walked from hospital to parking garage this afternoon. He’s unsteady on his feet. Still heavily medicated. Staying on high doses of nausea meds from a stomach that hasn’t balanced out from the trauma of two days ago. But he’s gaining ground. He’s regained his dexterity, playing... Continue Reading →

The shredded remains

I walked into the laundry room this morning with a Walmart bag of Jesse’s sweat drenched, vomit covered clothing to give them a thorough washing. I remember seeing a ragged edge on his shirt when I scooped it from the hospital floor last night and shoved it into the crinkly plastic. As I pulled the... Continue Reading →

What a week…

  For those of you who follow our story on social media, the next few blog posts will be things you have likely already seen on facebook or instagram. I realize that many of you only follow our story through this blog, though, and want to give everyone the most up-to-date information on Jesse. I... Continue Reading →

You’re just human

I opened the door, took a step in, and the weight of it all pressed the breath from my lungs. Maybe it was because it's September, a month that represents the beginning of an always shape-shifting life, or maybe it was because my connecting flight left without me and I had been awake for 27... Continue Reading →

Chasing the bright spots

I'll make this brief-ish because this has been the Monday of all Mondays, and we are in desperate need of a good meal and a long sleep. We learned on Friday that insurance had denied Jesse's surgery. We began the fight with them then, which has continued onward today. It's complex (and actually pretty boring),... Continue Reading →

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