Sorrow-wrecking, Hallelujah words

I snapped this picture moments after Jesse sat upright in the ER and scooted to the end of the bed in an attempt to stand, feisty from the medications he was given to stop the seizures. I stared at it awhile, perplexed by the vibrant colors of the photograph. That’s when I realized it’s a black and white moment in my memory. Faded, blurry, fused together with him on the ground at the church, spasming in the ambulance with the oxygen mask on his face as a team worked to keep his body safe, staring motionless in the hospital bed, no life in his blue eyes nor movement from his body, hooked up to machines, barely breathing.

It was seconds after this that the violent coughing and vomiting began. Everything goes technicolor from that moment on, the world splashed with hues so vibrant it’s hard to look at it without squinting.

I find lament to be this way. Face in the earth pleading reprieve so often that the dirt in my eyes makes everything go muted for a while. Then the tears come and the grit washes away and I can see all the life pulsing around and inside of me.

I don’t know what it all means, really. I don’t believe I ever will. That’s okay. I don’t have to understand to know the black and white and the colorful moments are equally important, equally held by God, as am I.

I find the longer I live in lament, the more I see it as a gift from God. To be vulnerable and broken, devoid of all strength and hope, sleepless and sleepy, choking on the sorrow and fear and still be loved, still feel held. That is a gift. Grief is a gift. Lament-a love letter to the lost and longing from God Himself.

-May 14, 2019

—————————————————————————————————

 

*This one is from Saturday, May 11. I’m including it here for the sake of efficiency.*

 

These words spoken on Sunday morning. Sorrow-wrecking, Hallelujah words. Words which flowed from his own lips with no knowledge of what was to come.

Take the 1 minute and 17 second pause in your day to watch this, remembering all the while that the same man who spoke these words on Sunday had a series of life-threatening seizures on Wednesday, and is walking around his home on Saturday, laughing with his kids, living his life, still saying the same thing as always: His grace is sufficient for me.

-The day has been uneventful. A welcome lull in anything excitable. Jesse​ is improving, though the reality and the grief of it all are heavy, and the medications he’s taking amplify every emotion. He is still having some very mild seizures, nothing truly worrisome. He’s had this type for years. Though I can tell you there is a sense of panic in the air when they occur now that did not exist before. Heart rates are high and bodies frozen still with anticipation of what might happen each time. The waiting and wondering. It has always been the hardest part, the surrendering of the sensation of control. Pray with us, will you? For medications to take effect without side effect, for seizures to cease entirely, and for peace to continue to reign in our people.

2 thoughts on “Sorrow-wrecking, Hallelujah words

Add yours

  1. Jesse, Ashley and family;
    You are in our thoughts and prayers always! God Bless you! Praying for the peace of God that passes all understanding for y’all!

    Like

  2. I’ll try again, I had just written a note and accidentally deleted it 😳! So, trying again … Just wanted to tell you that you’re in my prayers daily, your whole family🙏. Shelly keeps me caught up day by day.
    I’m sure it’s so hard to wait for what is going to happen next, but with that in mind, I read somewhere that the word ‘wait’ in some biblical language of old, the word “wait” means “entwine your heart around”, so “they that entwine their heart around the Lord will renew their strength”!
    Love and prayers to you all💕granny lee

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: