It’s been quite a wild ride, these past few weeks of life. It feels simultaneously like one long day and twenty years have passed. All four of our children have been sick for a week or so. Strep throat, bronchitis, walking pneumonia. Our oldest jostled me awake in the wee hours this morning, shaking and pale, too dizzy to stand fully upright. I pulled him into the bed beside me and stroked his silky auburn hair, trying to settle his trembling body and racing mind. No one gets a “simple” sickness here anymore. Every headache, every cough, every pain is examined with more concern. The wondering about the what ifs. My word, it’s debilitating.
“The doctors say this isn’t hereditary, but what if they’re wrong? What if he has a tumor? What if they all have tumors? What if we wait to take our other child to the doctor and he ends up in the hospital with a severe respiratory infection? He has asthma. He could die. What if? What if? What if?, the thoughts tumble around unwittingly.
I’m immersed in the incessant rambling of my mind, sleepless in the surrounding darkness where every one else seems to slumber peacefully each night. And then, another voice-a sweeter, lighter, richer voice than my own-sings over the noisy clatter of my ever-wandering heart, and I look up and around in search of the manifestation of the lovely sound. When I see Him, Oh!, when my soul recognizes the sound as the same voice that has been singing it’s song of redemption and peace and grace over me for my entire life, what rejoicing it finds! What hope, what life, what courage! What faithfulness the King above all kings displays. Even when I willfully wander into the shadows of life, even when I let go of His hand and slip off to see if His path is really the best path and find myself devastated over what may be in the future, even when I deny His faithfulness, even then…He is with me. His Hope is more persistent than my fear. His Love more encompassing than my denial.
When Satan tempts me to despair, the Lord God rescues me from myself, from my sin. What a marvel it is that, because of the willing sacrifice made by Christ, the Holy Creator and Saviour of all mankind looks not on the filth of my sin-filled life, but instead on the perfect, pure blood of Jesus, and pardons me. I find, if I sit silently in the night, listening carefully to the song being sung over my war torn soul, I recognize the emotion drenched words. And when I set my gaze in search of His countenance, I find, too, that my soul has been singing out the refrain of the familiar tune all along:
“Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea:
A great High Priest, whose name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart;
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart
No tongue can bid me thence depart.
When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look, and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free;
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Praise the One,
the Risen Son of God!
Behold Him there, the Risen Lamb
My perfect, spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I am,
The King of glory and of grace!
One with Himself I cannot die
My soul is purchased by His blood
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God.”
-We have a few appointments this coming week. November 3 is our second oncology appointment, and we should find out then what our path forward looks like. We have more MRIs in the near future, but don’t have an exact time frame yet on when that will be.
-We are ONE MORE DOSE away from being steroid free!! This is a big milestone in Jesse’s recovery, and we are so glad to be done with them for a while!
-Jesse has a significant amount of seizures right now. This isn’t unexpected, but it is difficult to daily navigate. We are in the process of slowly raising his medicine dosage and watching for symptoms. His seizures aren’t noticeable to most people, but they are there, and they cause his speech to regress each time he has one. He recovers quickly, but it’s a trying process to endure. Would you pray for this man of mine? Ask the Lord to continue to rewire his brain as only He can, to restore his reading ability, and continue to improve his comprehension.
-God is proving Himself so faithful to us in this waiting time, and we are increasingly thankful He chose us for this journey. We consider it a privilege to pray over you all as you pray over us. You are all such a gift in our lives!