Maybe sometimes

I played in the rain with our children today. It’s been pouring for weeks, bringing rapidly rising flood waters with it every few days. The kids have been mostly quarantined inside. So today, when the sky turned dark and the clouds opened up without the presence of thunder and lightning, I ushered them outside to watch. Then, I winked at our oldest and out he ran into the rain, followed closely by his mother who has always had an affection for playing in the rain. 😉

The two youngest followed soon after while the second born stayed inside to shake his head at our shenanigans (and video us, of course).

We came in 15 minutes later, thoroughly drenched and laughing, with a happy memory of silly abandon made in a time frame in life when those are sorely lacking.

I’ve watched the video several times now, chuckling as the cautious child behind the camera shouts “Weirdos!” out into the pouring rain and laughing at the side ponytail that I’m sporting, the aftermath of a fallen bun. I’ve been wondering what bits and pieces of that brief moment in life my kids will remember when they’re grown, wondering if they felt like I did? A brief moment of wild and free in the midst of all the regulated life we live. The truth is, we’ve been doing this for a long time now. In a couple of days, we’ll hit 9 full months of “everything is different”, and while we are all grateful that the Lord saw fit to let us keep our daddy/husband in this life with us, we are all (Jesse included) also extremely weary of the non-stop drizzle of grief and change. Just like this part of Texas where the grounds are so saturated with the onslaught of storms that they cannot take another bursting rain cloud without the water resting on the surface, we are full and daily fighting to just keep our grief in its reservoirs and not let it flood into every aspect of our beings.

So, I’m sitting here in my living room with my newly dried children and self, thinking and writing and watching Cupcake Wars in the middle of the afternoon with them, and it’s occurred to me that maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way. Maybe it’s not so much about trying to hold the grief and loss in their rightful places, to keep them from overwhelming our existences. Maybe, just maybe…Maybe, sometimes, because the storms won’t stop, you have to learn to run wild and free into the downpour for a little while and let the water from the heavens mingle with the tears on your face, washing away the dirt and the grime of your messy existence, drinking in the cool fresh water, and laughing in the middle of it all.

Just in case any of you thought I was bluffing. 😉

UPDATES ON JESSE:

-We are changing Jesse’s seizure medications again, trying to find a better balance between side effects and seizure control. We believe we are now on a path toward achieving our goal of seizure free without adverse reactions. Will you pray with us, that the Lord give us and Jesse’s doctor clear and certain direction in this regard?

–On the newest medication we have added, Jesse has gained an ability to read and comprehend that he has not had since before all of this began. We are so grateful to God for this newfound place of healing! Jesse has been an avid reader for many years and it has been so encouraging to him that he is recovering so well in this area now!

–Jesse’s last scans showed no growth in the remaining tumor! It is still “sleeping” as they like to say, and that is a very good thing!! We are all encouraged by his latest scan results. 🙂

–We are still and always praying for a physical healing of Jesse’s brain that makes people turn to Jesus. This is our biggest, most fervent prayer every day. We are begging the Lord to use our brokenness for His glory and to orchestrate healing in such a way that people come to know Him. Will you pray this over us,friends?